Even though I've been losing my Mother for over seven years. Even though I've been here, in the front row seat, totally aware of the tiny bit-by-bit degeneration of her intellect and abilities. Even though I knew that dementia had no cure, and the only way "out" of dementia was death. Even though we had a lovely memorial service for my Mother; honoring and remembering the nice, kind, creative woman she once was...
I feel a deep, sad desire to say goodbye to my Mother.
I feel that I've lost her and I don't know where she is. She's been my responsibility for so long. I have this lost feeling, like I've lost my purse or house keys. I know something important is missing, is gone, and I can't find it.
Is it because dementia has been a series of many little goodbyes?
Is she haunting me, is there something I forgot to do, something she needs me to do?
I'm beginning to hate the sympathy cards that come to the house. Well, yes, no, I'm grateful to everyone, they have been so kind and thoughtful.
But I want to scream. NO! I was not a good daughter! I blew it. I hated her dementia even more than she did. I hated what it did to her. I could do NOTHING to stop it. I could NOT make it go away. I could NOT make her better. I could NOT fix it. I could NOT make her pain go away. I could NOT help her.
I lost the game, the task, the job.
I lost my Mother.
Please hold in your hearts the firefighters who died this week in Boston, the people of Snohomish county engulfed by a mudslide, and all who are lost.