Thursday, March 27, 2014

lost

Even though I've been losing my Mother for over seven years. Even though I've been here, in the front row seat, totally aware of the tiny bit-by-bit degeneration of her intellect and abilities. Even though I knew that dementia had no cure, and the only way "out" of dementia was death. Even though we had a lovely memorial service for my Mother; honoring and remembering the nice, kind, creative woman she once was...

 I feel a deep, sad desire to say goodbye to my Mother.

I feel that I've lost her and I don't know where she is. She's been my responsibility for so long. I have this lost feeling, like I've lost my purse or house keys. I know something important is missing, is gone, and I can't find it.

Is it because dementia has been a series of many little goodbyes?

Is she haunting me, is there something I forgot to do, something she needs me to do?

I'm beginning to hate the sympathy cards that come to the house. Well, yes, no, I'm grateful to everyone, they have been so kind and thoughtful.

But I want to scream. NO! I was not a good daughter! I blew it. I hated her dementia even more than she did. I hated what it did to her. I could do NOTHING to stop it. I could NOT make it go away. I could NOT make her better. I could NOT fix it. I could NOT make her pain go away. I could NOT help her.

I lost.
I lost the game, the task, the job.
I lost my Mother.

Please hold in your hearts the firefighters who died this week in Boston, the people of Snohomish county engulfed by a mudslide, and all who are lost.

3 comments:

Lori said...

No- She's Not haunting you.. But she may be with you. After all you have done I don't know how you can do anymore. I understand the feeling of defeat. Fighting an illness that is so cruel and devastating. I watched it with my Gran and now am dealt another hand with my Husband. After reading your blog all this time I dont feel like you have lost. Lost your mother yes- But You definitely Did well at the job and the Task-. What a Hard journey. I thought it was bad with my gran-- It is tenfold with my husband. I can only hope I do as good of a job as you..

Michele Bilyeu said...

Maria, feel free to email me privately but publicly I need to say, that no you did not fail in any way.

You did the very best you could no matter what that was. It is just so darn challenging, and so awful no matter what our circumstances have been when they finally pass.

Our lives are turned upside down because our entire routine has changed forever. Suddenly, we miss them and all we did for them, and feel like we could have done more. You did the best you could and you did not fail anyone.

Do not fail yourself with guilt now. You don't need to carry any of this. Let it all go.

You have started the grieving process and all of its stages will hit you in so many ways. Sadness can come out in so many ways and the grieving process takes months and months.

You will learn so much now from all of this if you allow the guilt to leave and be even stronger as a result of this journey. hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Let her go.

Mariarose said...

Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive words. It was just "one of those days". I was overcome by grief. ~*~ peace ~*~